Dear Immigration Department

Dear Immigration Department,
Hey you guys! Yeah, you guys over there! You must have the best biceps in town, what with all that stamping you do. Oh to wield that mighty "application denied' stamp; I'd never have to go to the gym again.
Hey, I heard a little rumour, you may have heard it to, after all it was published nationally in The Australian- our last mighty bastion of media impartiality- that the "flood of asylum seeker has swollen (Christmas) Island's population by almost 60%". Holy shit balls batman! 60%! Well fuck me sideways, but that must mean there's thousands of the fuckers right? Right? Run and hide genuine Australians, run and fucking hide; there's a god damn flood of refugees coming your way. According to The Australian this flood is made up of, wait for it, wait for it, 73 "suspected" asylum seekers. 73? 73? 73 is a 60% increase? What the fuck? Hang on while I make someone else do the maths. So that mean that there were 122 before this flood, and there's 195 now? Jesus Christ on a motherfucking chariot. Immigration Department you astound me! I simply cannot fathom how you cope with your immense workload, it is truly astonishing. Big round of applause everyone for the Immigration Department! Woo! Yeah! You guys fucking rule!
On another note you'll be shocked to learn that Christmas Islanders resent asylum seekers, despite the fact that they're pretty much the only reason people stilll deliver food and toilet paper to that barren rock. Always here to help, I've come up with some suggestions as to where to put them:
1. Under the sea. Everybody want to live under the sea, right?
2. Ghettos. Australia lacks ghettos. Let's build some. After all the ghetto is the birthplace of hip hop. And, let's face it, Oz hip hop sucks balls. "I got paint on my shirt on the Beenleigh line"; enough said.
3. Canberra. Even the allure of weed and porn can't make Aussies want to live in this shithole. So let's give it to the refugees, it's not like they do anything useful down there anyway.
4. Greg Sheridan's house. Oh the fun they'll have, skipping and jumping and performing rousing renditions of 'Michael row the boat ashore'.
5. Tasmania. Given that the Tasmanians managed to kill all of their own black people, I think they could do with some more.
Send me your suggestions as to where to put the refugees and I'll send them through to the minister of Immigration. No seriously, I fucking will.
Sincerely,
Helenahandbasket.
*shit taken from Paige Taylor and Nicola Berkovic p3 "New Boat Stokes Island Tensions", The Australian 25/05/2009.
*what the fuck type of reference system is that. Didn't you go to uni you moron. Shhh, stop writing to yourself, people are starting to stare.