Battle stations! Load the torpedo tubes, man the guns, because we are at war people, we are at war. Who’s the enemy? Osama Bin Laden? No. Kim Jung Il? No. Boatpeople? Maybe. But not quite. Indonesia? No, although they’re a pesky problem. The Taliban? Getting close. It’s…Drugs. Oh… Ah, that’s terrifying. The scariest Goddamn enemy I’ve ever faced. Getting all mind altered and shit must surely be the most horrifying prospect in the world. And it’s not as though we have the capacity for independent thought that would allow us to make our own choices about narcotics. Not at all. The youth of today, as soon as we see that juicy bag of weed, or a couple of pills with a clever stamp on them (Kelly Slaters anyone? Now those were the days) our mental acuity is diminished to the point that all we can do is light up, sit back and wait for the high. Ahhhhhhhh! I’m scaring myself. Turn on the lights, quick! Check the closet! I’m shitting myself here. Drugs are in the closet! I repeat, and I do not mean to alarm you, there are drugs in my closet, and I’m scared they might attack and…and…and…make me feel really good about life. And then hungry. And then really good about life. And then tired. Ohhhhh, deadly.
So let me explain this in terms I understand. You guys are probably a couple of steps ahead of me, but hey, all this drug use has really fucked me up. There’s this war on drugs right? Right. Because drugs ruin lives, right? Right. So who’s this war against? Drugs. Right, so you’re telling me we’re fighting a war on inanimate objects? Yep, that pretty much sums it up. What the fuck? I know, I know, they’re trying to stop drug smugglers and the drug trade and shit, because that really ruins lives. Take Afghanistan. Their biggest commodity is heroin, that’s all they’ve got to sell. Why? I’d say it’s 50% Taliban 50% the Coalition of the Willing. So we’re going to stop the trade of pretty much the only commodity the Afghans have because some morons think it might be a good idea to jack needles in their arms and tune the fuck out. No offence or anything, but fuck them. If you’re stupid enough to have a heroin addiction, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, I don’t give a rat’s fat arse if, when or how you choose to kill yourself. Seriously go for fucking gold. No one’s got a gun to your head saying “Shoot up, dipshit! Shoot up!” I say let them, and keep the Afghans fed.
I don’t want to talk about junkies. If you are one, I don’t care, you’re a douche. So hate me. Whatever, you’ll forget about it the next time you’re high, in 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1. And the junkies have left the rant. I want to talk about good, old fashioned, recreational drug use. Why do we take drugs? Why, why, why, why, why? Why? Because they’re so much fun. You know it; you just aren’t stupid enough to put it on the internet. Lucky for you, I am.
Drugs are fun. Just like booze is fun, smoking is fun, and sometimes, casual sex with strangers is fun too. We know these things aren’t good for us, but you know what? They’re not as bad as authorities make out either. The way they go on, you’d be forgiven for thinking that ecstasy= certain death, or at least really bad teeth. Bullshit. In the ten years I’ve been partaking in recreational drug use, I’ve not known anyone to die from ecstasy. I’ve seen people fucked up, for sure, but seriously dudes, everything in moderation. But booze, fuck, I’ve seen people get the shit beaten out of them, I’ve had the shit beaten out of me, I’ve seen friends fall of the rooves of moving cars, fights, spats, disappearances, morning afters, regret, regret, regret. And this shit is legal? What the hell? The drug that heightens your aggression, disinhibits you to the point that you’ll go home with Jabba the fucking Hut if he offers, this shit is legal. Alcohol kills. Ecstasy makes things look pretty. Scary!
But surely Helen, you’re not advocating drug use? Well, this might get me arrested, but, yes, yes I am. Not the, “go get mama her crack pipe”, or the “can I use your needle after you?”, type of drug use. But the roll a j sit around, talk shit, laugh your arse off, and eat some pizza type of drug use. Or the, hey it’s new years eve, let’s have a pill and stay up all night talking about how much we value each others friendship type of drug use. Which is, contrary to popular belief, perfectly possible to partake in without: cracking your teeth, scratching your eyeballs out, attacking your mother and stealing her jewellery, or ending up living on the streets selling your arse for the money. Seriously. Drugs aren’t bad. People are just stupid. You’ve got to distinguish between the two.
So every time you see that little “Drugs: you don’t know what they’ll do to you” thing pop up, why don’t you make up your own mind, and find the fuck out. Because until the government makes alcohol and cigarettes illegal too, I refuse to pander to the arbitrary designation of these particular narcotics as illegal by not taking them. You want me on board, government? Either decriminalise it all, or criminalise it all, but until then, I’m pretty sure you don’t really give a fuck, so long as you’re making money.
Sincerely,
Helena Handbasket
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